versacci

I was perusing the Project Runway website, particularly the time line on fashion trends and designers - when I stumbled upon something that is simply too tragic for words. What I'm about to share with you may bring on symptoms such as light headedness, nausea or even arrhythmia - so I warn you - you should probably take a few deep breaths before you proceed.

Now I know that even my less fashionable readers are familiar with the house of Versacci. Yes, that's right - Versacci. As in Gianni VersaCCI and Donatelli VersaCCI. Seriously though, I think that this just might trump Nomi Malone's phonetic (Ver-sase) pronunciation in Showgirls. BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

stick with hermès - she's much more loyal!

Today I received even more validation as to why I am completely and utterly, head over heels in love with Laura Bennett. OutZoneTV has a great, new interview with Laura, which you can read here. I pulled a few of my favorite questions / answers -

Question - We love that you’re foul-mouthed. What’s your favorite word?
Answer - The f-word. I do try to use frickin sometimes. It can’t be done all the time. And obviously I don’t think much before I say anything, and when you do that, it just kinda all comes out. But I do say that kind of a lot.

Question - What do you hope that your children pursue?
Answer - My children, they get it from my husband and I. We’re both pretty artistic. So I expect them to go into the arts of some sort. Whether it’s architecture or painting, or …of course at the moment all he can do is drape dress forms and sew. You know? Because that’s what’s happening in his life at the moment. But they do seem to be talented in the arts, so I would be disappointed if they didn’t somehow go in that direction, but I would never push any of them in any particular direction. I just hope that at least one of them is gay. I think the odds are with me. If I have five boys, isn’t it one in ten? I think I’m doing OK.

Question - Your odds are OK.
Answer - I have one child who wants to be Austin Scarlett when he grows up. And then when Tim Gunn was over here, he pulled these two Nelson benches that I have that I use as a coffee table, he pulled them apart and made a long catwalk and did his walk down the catwalk for Tim Gunn, so I’m feeling positive about that one.

(There is the noise of a great ruckus behind Laura.) Hold on, I just had an influx of children. You want a what? You want a noonie too? Alright, well go ask your brother to ask Nicole and then it’ll be like a whole … they all want pacifiers. These kids are four years old and they’re still sucking on things. See, that’s the one I think might end up being gay.

I do worry for my children, I mean, I think it must be a really difficult thing. I have no problems with any of my boys being gay, and like I said, God knows they have room for a feminine source in the house. With my fifth boy in a row on the way here.

But I do. I worry that it’s difficult for teenagers.

Question - Beverage of choice, not pregnant
Answer - Tanqueray martini, up with olives.

Question - Beverage of choice, pregnant
Answer - Tanqueray martini, up with olives. 'Cause that’s when I really need it. Come on. Who are we kidding here? God knows, if I ever needed a martini. Usually though, my husband will order it, and I sip from his glass. That’s our way of handling that situation.

My favorite Laura line from the interview is when she bitches about her Blackberry, saying - "No, be warned, those electronics, they'll screw you over every time. Stick with Hermès - she's much more loyal!" Now I know that I've said it before, but I will totally be her gay son. LOVE her!

botox - it's a good thing!

This morning on The View, the ladies had a discussion about Botox. Joy Behar readily admitted that she has regular injections, and although she didn't admit to having done it herself, Bawbwa Wawas seemed very supportive of the idea.

Personally, I don't understand why people are constantly getting their vajayjays in a twist over Botox. I mean, I haven't heard of anyone who has been forced into removing wrinkles. Honestly, who gives a shit what people do to themselves. I'm also sick of these actresses that go on and on about how bad plastic surgery is, and how it sets unrealistic beauty standards - and how they plan to age gracefully. Do they want some kind of moral prize - maybe a cookie or, as we say at my house - a good boy biscuit? Seriously - shut the fuck up!

If anyone is on the fence on the Botox issue - I present you with a before and after side by side of that French cunt pig, Brigitte Bardot. Botox - it's a good thing!

antm 7 - episode 2

Man do I love America's Next Top Model - maybe not as much as Project Runway, but let me tell you - it's a close second. The new season (Cycle 7) has been billed as the biggest and the best - and last night's episode definitely lived up to the hype. The girls started off with makeovers with Frédéric Fekkai. As ususal, a number of girls cried and acted like spoiled babies when it came time for their new looks. After 6 seasons of this same old song and dance, wouldn't you think that these bitches would work it out? Phenomenal!

Meanwhile, Monique continued her low-rent Naomi divatude - purposefully tying up the house phone line for nearly four hours. From next week's preview it looks like she's bound for an über confrontation with my girl, Melrose - and I can't wait! The photo shoot for the episode involved a number of weavologists, creating unbelievable hair sculptures on the girls - weavovers, if you will. Only on UPN (er, The CW) would you see ridiculous antics like this. I mean, could this show be any campier? Unbeweavable - it really is extraordinary! Here are the photos - ranked according to my preference (from favorite to least).

Melrose

Michelle

Anchal

Brooke

AJ

CariDee

Megg

Amanda

Megan

Monique

Eugena

Jaeda

I must say that I was a tad surprised to see Megan get the boot. Although I found her to be a little piggy, I didn't think that it was her time to go. I think the only reason that Eugena didn't go home was because she won that RETARDED Queen Latifah challenge. Don't you love how Latifah puts on makeup and pretends to be all girly? What a dyke! Come to think of it, why the hell didn't Jaeda go home? Her picture completely sucked ass, she acted like a big baby during the makeovers, and she has a penis! Oh Tyra, always keeping me guessing... keep up the good work!

ugly betty premiere

Is anyone else planning to catch the premiere of Ugly Betty tonight? I've been anticipating the start of this show for a few months, and my Tivo is already set. Sure, it looks a little cheesy - but I have a feeling that it's going to be hilarious. Salma Hayek is executive producer, and while I haven't seen any of her movies, the girl who plays the title role, America Ferrera, is apparently great. It premieres tonight at 8:00 on ABC. Oh, and that Guadalajara poncho - FIERCE!

terrifying - with a capital terrifying!

Dlisted just posted this picture, and I have to say that I had another one of my scream out loud moments. Seriously though - what kind of Appalachian, dueling banjos, Janice Dickinsonian botched plastic surgery, blown out chromosomes moment is this? Absolutely terrifying! Somebody needs to sign this tired bitch up for 'The Swan' - and stat!

screech sex

Was it not enough that Screech was back in the news earlier this summer? You remember that whole 'Save My House' bullshit, right? Then he was on Stern talking about how he's apparently hung like a donkey. Now it seems that there is a Screech sex tape that's about to hit the internet. No, I'm not kidding - I seriously wish that I was...

According to Rush & Molloy -

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us. We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. "Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

Schmidt is in L.A., shopping the tape to Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video. Now age 29, the 6-foot Diamond is much brawnier than you may remember him. He's a black belt in karate, and, four years ago, he defeated Ron Palillo (Horshack on "Welcome Back, Kotter") on Fox's "Celebrity Boxing 2."

Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom ‘The Knights of Prosperity.’ "I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

In 1996, former "Saved by the Bell" sweetheart Elizabeth Berkley bared all in the Paul Verhoeven-Joe Eszterhas trashterpiece, "Show Girls." The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell." Ewwwww.

So here's the thing - I don't think that I could possibly think of a person (on the entire planet), whom I would least like to see engaged in sexual acts, than Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell. And the Dirty Sanchez bit - seriously disturbing! So seriously, Screech - no one cares about you. Go join the ranks, and overdose on crystal meth or something - for Christ's sake!

little superstar

I don't know from where this clip came, or what the hell is going on - but it's kind of hypnotic. I just watched it three times in a row, so I thought that I'd share.



If anyone knows where one can purchase one of those little men, please let me know. Don't you think that he would be great at parties? Also, I would like a copy of the music - for my ipod. Amazing!

amy sacco's pituitary

I was browsing through some party pictures from last weekend, and stumbled upon this photo. I'm not sure who the other two people are, but that's Amy Sacco in the middle. New Yorkers know Amy Sacco as the club owner and restaurateur behind Bungalow 8, Lot 61 and Bette. She is also quite friendly with all of the blown little girls who frequent her clubs. You know, the Hiltons, Lindsay Lohan and her orange vagina, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

So here's the thing - and the only reason that I'm posting about this woman... I had no idea that she suffered from giantism. Seriously though - either those other two people came directly from Munchkinland, or Amy Sacco's pituitary is entirely out of whack. Oh, and while we're still on topic - what the fuck is going on with her knees? Blown!

trash dui

Remember how Trash was arrested a few weeks ago? Well, it seems that DUI charges were officially filed today in Los Angeles, and it looks like she might have to start attending Alcoholics Anonymous. SWEET! According to TMZ -

The Los Angeles City Attorney filed misdemeanor charges Tuesday in connection with Hilton's arrest earlier this month. The heiress, who was driving her pricey Mercedes McLaren SLR, was pulled over in Hollywood after police spotted her driving erratically. Cops administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.

Hilton was charged with driving under the influence and driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher. The charges carry a maximum jail term of six months, however, it is standard practice to give first offenders probation, as well as a license restriction. Typically, first offenders are also required to attend AA meetings.

officially official

ASSlee Simpson debuted last night in the London production of Chicago, and the rest of the Simpson clan came out to support - Papa Joe, Britty Peer's Mom, and Chicken of the Sea (in crazy zombie makeup). So here's the thing - it's officially official - whatever hotness that Chicken of the Sea had, has been completely usurped by ASSlee.

fabulously glamorous

I know that I already sang the praises of Laura Bennett's Project Runway collection, and that I am completely obsessed with her - but for now, you're just going to have to deal! New York Magazine just published a rather comical interview with Laura, so I thought that I'd share it (along with some more images from her collection).

I ’m fabulously glamorous,” says Laura Bennett, 43, a pregnant architect, in the opening credits of Project Runway. And she is—while somehow managing to raise five children with a sixth on the way. She spoke to Jada Yuan.

Question - So, what are you doing right now?
Answer - Sewing, believe it or not. It’s like I’ve got nothing to wear myself anymore, I’ve gotten so large. It’s ironic. I just swore over the last couple of months that I would never sew again, but here I sit, sewing.

Question - Where do you live?
Answer - Near the Empire State Building. When I look out my window I can only see the side of it. I have to, like, cock my head to see the top.

Question - How’d you meet your husband, Peter Shelton?
Answer - At a dinner party. I must have been the hot babe in the room at the ripe old age of 32 or something.

Question - Do you get recognized a lot?
Answer - My son counts how many sightings per block. The other day we couldn’t walk a block without eight people spotting me.

Question - You’re pretty distinctive-looking.
Answer - Well, I’m also huge and pregnant. As a matter of fact, that started to be a problem at the end of filming. I was too easy to spot.

Question - How pregnant are you?
Answer - Seven and a half months and, I have to say, I feel huge. I think that sitting at a sewing machine for the last two months has not been helpful.

Question - This is number six?
Answer - Yes, my daughter Cleo is 18; she’s from a previous marriage. And then the rest, all boys, are with Peter. Peik, he’s 10 years old. Truman is 7. He was named by a cocktail-party crowd when he was about 3 months old.

Question - He didn’t have a name?
Answer - My husband could never commit to one. So poor Truman just went for months being called “the baby.” His birth certificate said Baby White Male. Finally, we were at this cocktail party with a bunch of my old friends and they voted on Truman. So we started calling him Truman, and then a couple years ago I actually changed his birth certificate. After that, we get very uncreative. The next one is Pierson, which means Peter’s son, who looks just like me. He’s 4. And Larson, who’s 3, looks just like Peter. We got it wrong, but that’s okay.

Question - Is this one another boy?
Answer - Yes. We haven’t discussed a name yet, but apparently the Internet will take care of that. I often see it discussed.

Question - On the show, was there any point where they edited you different from what you’d hoped?
Answer - No. I think the editing was very fair. Sometimes they made me seem like this sort of buttinsky design critic, and sometimes they made me look like this kind of tough fighting girl, and sometimes they made me seem like this sort of hormonal crazy woman. But I think that I was all of those things when I was there.

"He was named by a cocktail-party crowd when he was about 3 months old." Not only do I love this woman, but I FUCKING love this woman!

fuglet jofugsson

Seriously, Fuglet - are you on crystal meth? Exactly what is going on here? Were you changing a tire before you headed out for the night? Did Helen Keller style you? I can't seem to make heads or tails of this look, but it's certainly not a good one!

...and while we're at it - I'm going to have to go ahead and give this one to Gwyneth. Hands down! Oh, and I heard that your new movie sucks!

bffs

Wait, what did you say? NicRichie and Trash have put an end to their tired charade - and before Fall Sweeps? You don’t say?!?

What I find most interesting is the presence of Steve-O - especially considering what I read last week. Hmmm....

fucking jackasses

I don't know if we've ever had this conversation, but just in case you're wondering why it is, more often than not, that I am completely embarrassed of our country - here's a good reason...

Johnny Knoxville and his pals pulled another prank on Hollywood as their sequel of crazy stunts, "Jackass Number Two" beat a rush of serious movies to take the top spot at the weekend box office.

"an opening between my legs"

I stumbled upon this a few months ago, and have to say that I initially found it too disturbing to actually post. However, today has been kind of a slow news day, so here you go. This clip comes from an instructional video from the 1970s entitled ‘The ABCs of Sex Education for Trainable Persons'. This particular chapter of the video deals with periods – as in menstruation - not punctuation! Oh, and 'trainable persons' – that’s a reference to retarded children. In this case, the trainable is a little retard by the name of Jill.

So the premise of this clip is that little Jill decides to ask her mother, then sister and eventually father about periods. I particularly enjoy the fact that they all feel perfectly comfortable talking about bleeding vajajays (in front of the father, nonetheless), but they 're unable to use the word “vagina”. In its stead they opt for the ever popular and awesome “an opening between my legs”.

What is even more disturbing is that the older sister, Suzie actually pulls little Jill into the bathroom and removes her own bloody pad for a little show and tell. Now I can’t imagine that anyone really wants to see such things, but as I am of the homosexual variety, that was that point at which I nearly lost my lunch.

If any of you have the courage to actually watch this clip, I would like to draw your attention to something that I found particularly amusing. At approximately the 42 second mark, the mom asks “Do you have a question, Jill?” Notice the awesome look that the mother gives Jill (at the 45 second mark) – as if to say “Do you have a question, Jill? You fucking retard!”

Amazing!

the orange vagina stands alone

People magazine is reporting that Lindsay Lohan and her orange vagina have been dumped yet again - this time by her most recent flavor of the month, Harry Morton. Last week gossip mongers reported that Trash was spotted at a Fashion Week party, openly flirting with Morton. Please say that it's so - you know the rag mags are going to be all over this one!

According to People -

"Harry broke up with Lindsay yesterday (Thursday) at Chateau Marmont after they had dinner on the courtyard patio," a source tells PEOPLE. "Nothing happened at dinner, but shortly afterward, he broke up with her."

Why the split? "She was too much drama," says the source. "Lindsay did cut down on the partying, but with her it's all relative. Harry is sober. It wasn't the partying that broke them up. She's young and a little bit immature. Harry's more low-key and not into the same stuff she's into."

However, a source close to Lohan says, "No one 'dumped' anyone. You don't dump people when you're 20 and 25. You have a mature relationship, and you take a break and you see what happens. Everyone does that."

the gayken

The Gayken's new album dropped earlier this week, and she's been promoting it all over the place. Earlier this week she stopped by Good Morning America for an interview with Diane Sawyer. A lot of people had been speculating that she might use the interview as an opportunity to finally come out of the closet - but no. It seems that she's still extremely heterosexual - and fooling no one.



Early sales figures predict that the Gayken's album should debut at #2 - behind SexyBack, but just ahead of that horrible pig from The Black Eyed Peas. This morning she stopped by The View to further skirt the issue, and to sing "No I can't forget the semen on your face as you were leaving". Meanwhile, is it just me, or is the Gayken starting to resemble Johnny Weir? Keep in mind that this is supposed to be the new Gayken - the butch Gayken...

In closing I would just like to say that it is my belief that the Gayken likes to have sex with boys.

pancake tits

Dear Donna,

I know that you and Babs are BFFs, and as such I urge you to stage an intervention. I mean, pancake tits are never a good look - but pancake tits in a diaphanous tank top with no bra... should be punishable by law! I'm just saying.

All the best,

Baby Jane

antm 7 - episode 1

In case any of you non-fags missed last night's season premiere of America's Next Top Model Cycle 7, here are the photos from the top 13's first shoot - ranked according to my preference - from favorite to least favorite. The theme of the photo shoot was model stereotypes.

AJ - the model working the casting couch

Michelle - the bulimic model

Amanda - the anorexic model

CariDee - the dumb blonde model

Anchal - the narcissistic model

Megan - the diva model with a lap dog

Monique - the model who throws cell phones at her assistant

Melrose - the model who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day

Christian - the model turned actress

Megg - the drunk drug addict model

Jaeda - the model who's a plastic surgery victim

Eugena - the black model who the industry is trying to turn into a white model

After watching last night, I must say that my pre-premiere favorites (Melrose and Brooke) are still my favorites (at least personality wise). Those ugly twins should definitely give the other girls a run for their money - as might heinous AJ. Off hand I can think of a few favorite moments from the premiere. One was Monique - and how she so easily stepped into the role of this season's black bitch. You knew it would happen. I'm just glad that it happened so quickly.


My other highlights include Tyra's performance as the supreme diva model, and the fact that she took yet another swipe at Naomi (see Monique's photo sheet). Earlier this week Tyra interviewed one of Naomi's former (abused) assistants on her talk show. Loves it! Actually, this video clip contains pretty much all of my favorite moments from last night. Enjoy!