Yeeeaaah Hot

Friday, June 30, 2006

eu de toi-horsey dyke

As announced earlier this year, that gayer than gay horsey dyke, Hilary Swank is the muse and face for a new Guerlain perfume, Insolence - that hits fragrance counters later this summer. Now check out the advertisement –

Guerlain’s International Marketing Director Laurent Boillot says "She is a feminine mix of Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro. She is capable of transforming herself." And if by feminine mix, he means transsexual, I suppose he is right.

Horsey looks like a straight up drag queen in this picture. Maybe that faggoty husband of hers will finally find her attractive – Heinous! Oh, and check out this clip of Horsey doing a little performance to promote the new fragrance. I never knew she was so talented!

blew it the fuck out!

I doubt that anyone is watching that new Simon Cowell show, ‘America's Got Talent’, but I saw part of it the other night, and let me tell you about Bianca Ryan. So Bianca is 11 years old. She comes out onto the stage and announces that she will be singing ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’ – yeah, the Jennifer Holliday song from ‘Dreamgirls’. And then, to the surprise of everyone, this little girl blew it the fuck out. I mean BLEW IT THE FUCK OUT!

As it turns out, she has been singing the national anthem for several professional sports teams, has appeared on Star Search, will be appearing in some upcoming movie. This little girl can sing. Check out this clip of her performance – if only to hear the token mean British judge tell her that her hair, dress and shoes all suck.

tina, bring me the axe!

Oh, and this new Mommie Dearest mega mix is, well – MEGA!

whatever happened to baby jane?

If any of you have yet to see ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?’, you really need to either rent or buy the new special edition DVD that was released a few weeks ago. You won't be disappointed - the second disc has a lot of really great extras. Oh, and this little video montage that I found is PHENOMENAL!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

a'quiness, ah ka fortatuna donna - the remix

Ok – so remember last month when I was talking about that now legendary Bawbwa Wawas interview with Anne Heche (aka Celestia) back in 2001 – you know the one where she was promoting her book, 'Call Me Crazy' and literally went all nutso and started speaking in her made up space language.

Call you crazy? Really, Celestia? It's a deal. With that in mind, check out this shit –

piggy is melting!

Ok, what is wrong with Starlet's face? Is she melting? Did I miss something? Poor Piggy finally copped to having had the gastric bypass - whilst also pretending that she never denied it in the first place. Umm, yeah - what?!? Also, did anyone else notice how that fucking smile was plastered across her face during the entire hour long interview? Stop it, Piggy - you're making me feel uncomfortable! Very strange. And finally - is it just me, or...


piggy on live!

Grab yourself a cocktail, set your TiVos, and don't forget to watch Piggy on Larry King Live tonight at 9:00 ET on CNN! Here's to hoping that this whole thing goes from bad to worse. Yeeeaaah Hot!

seafag and his media empire

Why is it that Seafag is taking over the world? I mean, seriously - he has the number one radio show in LA every morning, On-Air with Ryan Seafag. On the weekends he hosts the nationally syndicated American Top 40 radio show. He has a 20 million dollar deal with E! - for which he is the managing editor and lead anchor of E! News, as well as their correspondent on the red carpet and at other high profile events. His deal with E! also allows the possibility for him to create new shows. Umm - he's a stand-in for Larry King sometimes on CNN. He is the heir apparent to Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve special each year. Oh, and there's that whole American Idol gig too.

I mean - what the fuck?!? I too, would like to take over the world - and as such, I am seriously considering the following -
  1. moving to Los Angeles
  2. acting like a smarmy douche
  3. highlighting and then flat ironing my hair
  4. going tanning
  5. waxing my eyebrows (check!)
  6. having sex with men (check!)

An article on Seafag and his empire is featured in the July issue of Esquire magazine, and here is, what is perhaps the best and the most fitting quote -

"There was an agent I worked with who said, 'You should really try and curb that innuendo,' " Seacrest says. "I thought, Why? Who cares? I know what I'm attracted to, and that's a female. It's somehow become a stripe in the Ryan Seacrest business; it somehow takes on a life of its own just because I'm not the stereotypical guy. A friend of mine has a house with a basketball court and a pool. The guys go over and play basketball; I lie by the pool and nap in the sun. That defines me. That's consistent with who I am. I don't pretend to play basketball because I wanna feel like one of the guys. I wanna lie in the sun and relax."

Umm yeah - lie in the sun and get pounded from behind, you big lady.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

damn you, and your cheetos!

Remember last week when Britty Peers and her cheetos were photographed in New York with their new black hair? Well the Peers family was in town to attend to some business. Husband, PopoZão was, no joke, in Times Square lobbying for the penny. Yes, how fitting. As it turns out Britty evidently had her own work to attend to – namely a photo shoot for an upcoming issue of Harper’s Bazaar. The photos were leaked yesterday, and I really don’t know what to say. I mean, could her situation be any less moisturized at this point?

This garbage begs the obvious comparison. Seriously though, that whole naked pregnancy magazine cover thing is really tired. The only thing that made it even remotely tolerable the first time around was Demi Moore. Jesus - and people wonder why some of us think that abortions are a good thing. Sometimes it really should be the only answer!
I'm morbidly interested to see what kind of interview Britty gave to the magazine - likely more boo-hoo'ing about the paparazzi. I never know when to expect my Harper's Bazaar - it usually makes it to my mailbox about a week after it hit the newsstands. Humph. Damn you and your cheetos, Britty Peers. Snap out of it!

and then there were three... bitches

Well, it's official - Piggy's career with The View, and likely with ABC in general, is kaput! Bawbwa Wawas made the announcement just a few minutes ago.

"This is, truthfully, a very difficult day for us, and it is a sad day for us. If you were watching the program yesterday, you would have heard star announce that she's leaving "the view" and will not be on the program next fall. We didn't expect her to make this statement yesterday. She gave us no warning. And we were taken by surprise. But the truth is that star has known for months that abc did not want to renew her contract and that she would not be asked back in the fall. The network made this decision based on a variety of reasons which i won't go into now. But we were neveroing to say this. We wanted to protect star. And so we told her that she could say whatever she wanted about why she was leaving and that we would back her up. We were closely with her representatives and we gave her time to look for another job. We hope she would announce it on the program and leave with dignity. But star made another choice. And since her announcement yesterday, she has made further announcements that have surprised us. So it is becoming uncomfortable for us to pretend that everything is the same at this table. And, therefore, regrettably star will no longer be on this program, except for some shows that have been prerecorded. "The view" helped make star a star and star helped make "the view" the success that it is. We will never forget that. We wish her well in this new chapter of her life as we begin a new chapter on "the view."

piggy on larry king live

Oh, and don't forget to watch Piggy on Larry King Live tomorrow at 9:00 ET. Maybe Bawbwa Wawas will call in and verbally bitchslap Piggy. Jesus, my week just keeps getting more and more interesting.

don't fuck with bawbwa wawas!

More details surrounding the ‘surprise’ today on The View have started to bubble to the top, and it appears that the gloves are off. These bitches are ready to throw down! It seems that the original plan was for Bawbwa Wawas and Piggy to both make the announcement on Thursday’s show. Well after the first commercial break yesterday, Piggy decided to interrupt the ladies and make her announcement – completely catching the ladies, and most importantly Bawbwa Wawas, off guard. Watch the clip that I posted yesterday to see how this all played out.

After all of the nice words and the standing ovation that greeted Piggy’s announcement on the show, an interview that she did with People magazine surfaced, in which she painted a bit of a different picture.

"What you don't know is that my contract was not renewed for the tenth season," she tells PEOPLE exclusively. "I feel like I was fired." She adds that she got the news just days before reports surfaced that Rosie O'Donnell – one of her most vocal critics – would be joining the View in the fall.

Someone should have told Piggy that it’s never a good idea to fuck with Bawbwa Wawas. I mean, seriously – right!?! In an interview with the Associated Press, Bawbwa said that she felt betrayed by Piggy’s surprise announcement. The following is an excerpt from an article in The New York Times -

''I love Star and I was trying to do everything I possibly could -- up until this morning when I was betrayed -- to protect her,'' Walters told The Associated Press. Walters also said she wasn't aware until she got off the air of Reynolds' People magazine interview. Reynolds, one of the original cast members when the show started nine years ago, said: ''I feel like I was fired.''

That seems to be the case. Walters said ABC network chiefs had decided last fall not to renew Reynolds' contract because its research showed that Reynolds' dramatic weight loss and 2004 wedding to banker Al Reynolds had turned viewers off. Reynolds had been criticized for a Web site that promoted companies that donated items for the wedding party's gift bags.

''We tried to talk them out of it,'' Walters said, ''and we tried to give Star time to redeem herself in the eyes of the audience, and the research just kept getting worse.'' Reynolds' spokesman, Brad Zeifman, said she would not comment beyond a prepared statement that did not address these issues.

Walters said Reynolds had known for several months that she would not be coming back, before Vieira's announcement in April that she was leaving. ''I would have loved for Star to have left and not said 'I was fired' and not make it look like the program was somehow being cruel to her,'' she said.

Now buzz is circulating that following Piggy's stunt, The View has asked that she not return this morning. According to People Magazine -

"ABC could not be reached by press time, but a source close to the show confirmed that Star had been asked not to return. Jones Reynolds, who helped launch the chatfest and spent nine years at the View table alongside Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and the newly departed Meredith Vieira, who left to replace Katie Couric on NBC's Today, says the split was anything but amicable."
Dude, I don't care where you are or what you're doing today at 11:00 ET - you need to find a television somewhere, and tune in for this shit. My fingers are crossed for some lady slapping and full blown fisticuffs! I'm still hoping that a random punch is thrown - and That Stupid Cunt Elisabeth Hasselbeck goes down!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

after much prayer and counsel...

In case you missed it this morning, which I would bet nearly everyone did – here’s the clip of Starlet and her farewell address to the nation. Maybe the ladies will finally win those elusive Emmy awards – for their oh so convincing performances this morning… reacting with shock and sadness. Bitch, please. I bet Sister Gayle has been moving her shit into Starlet’s dressing room for weeks. In fact, I bet Mother O has Nate Berkus over there right now ripping up carpets and looking at fabric swatches!

so long, piggy!

Where there’s smoke, there’s almost always fire. Access Hollywood has reported that Starlet will be announcing her departure from The View sometime this week. She is rumored to be leaving the show in July… well in advance of Rosie O’Donnell’s highly anticipated arrival… and you know what, I would much rather see Rosie sink her hooks into That Stupid Cunt Elisabeth Hasselbeck anyway.

You know, as much as we all love to hate Piggy, her comic relief will certainly be missed. It should be interesting to see what kind of ventures she will be pursuing in the coming months. If I were to make a wager, I would have to guess…an eponymous jewelry line. Can’t you see it – ‘Starlet by Star Jones’? Hell, she already has that line of cheap wigs

Monday, June 26, 2006

pickles are destroying my life!

“My name is Mariah, and I hate pickles. I hate everything about ‘em. Pickles are destroying my life. People make fun of me. I feel ashamed that I’m actually afraid of ‘em. When I think of pickles, I wanna throw up and run away. What I hate most about the pickle is the shape… the texture of it… the color… the….”

This shit is completely bananas, er pickles. I don’t even know what to say other than B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!! Meet 18 year old Mariah – whom her classmates have dubbed ‘The Pickle Girl’ because of her bizarre aversion to pickles.

Oh, and what about Shakeea and her ornithophobia... or Louise who loves ketchup, but for whom even the smell of mustard makes her tremble and cry?

“My name is Shakeea, and my phobia is - I’m scared of birds. Everything about them… their beaks… they walk nasty… they’re ugly… their feet. Everything about them disgusses (sic) me so much. They have germs. They pick over garbage. I just… I can’t… oh gosh. I don’t know why God created birds. I don’t know.”

“My name is Louise, and I am deathly afraid of mustard. I, I’ve even had nightmares about it. It’s in my subconscious all the time. I am deathly afraid of it - it’s always in the back of my mind. I’m really scared to face it cause I know I’m gonna have to face it on the show. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it. It’s just… it makes my skin crawl. This is legitimate. It’s not – I don’t do this to be funny. It’s texture… it’s everything… it’s just disgusting and I hate it. I hate mustard!”

Jesus, Maury and Joseph… here I was thinking that all his shows were ever about were paternity tests and unruly teenage girls… AMAZING!

hermès is posh

Lately it seems that every time I see a picture of Victoria Beckham, she’s carrying either an Hermès Birkin or Kelly bag. Call me shallow, but these are the types of things that I notice. I thought I’d put my theory to the test, so I sifted through some paparazzi photos and put together a little collage. We’ll call this her greatest hits. I guess they don’t call her Posh for nothin’.

I think that old Posh and I would get along just swell – although I would strongly encourage a little rhinoplasty action, and a good colorist. That two-tone nightmare has got to go. Also, I would probably end up trying to steal her husband - and then we wouldn't be friends anymore... ah well, the shopping would have been great while it lasted!

gay snakes on a plane

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – I fucking hate Republicans. Last week on Fox News, Dan Henninger, that insipid douche bag from the Wall Street Journal made mention of how some lady in India married a snake. Are you with me? Do you know where this is headed? Yeah – so clearly the proponents of gay marriage really need to ask themselves what’s next. Because you know obviously once the gays get marriage, they’ll all want to marry their cats and dogs… which will then lead to inanimate objects. I mean this is clearly the natural progression of things – what with our ‘anything goes culture’. I for one have recently been lusting after my trusty Burberry umbrella. She’s attractive. She’s well-made - and she’s always been there for me. Why not make it official, yeah?

This whole marrying your dog argument keeps coming up, and for the life of me I can’t wrap my head around it. Shouldn’t the obvious logic be that marriage is an invention of man – something that exists between two humans? So why can’t I fucking marry my partner… and who said anything about snakes?

… and this guy has a fucking Pulitzer!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

who's my good birthday boy?

I need to give a quick belated birthday shout out my beloved pal and neighbor Leslie, with whom I celebrated a few nights ago, and also to my beloved first born, Barkley – who turned three this past Friday (June 23).

Barkley celebrated in style, with a nice long morning walk – followed by a nice long nap, and then some tasty good boy biscuits. In the afternoon, he took a leisurely stroll through the neighborhood and park, followed by some birthday Frosty Paws, and then another yummy birthday treat. The action packed afternoon was followed, of course, by another nap, and then some frisky tug-o-war with his daddy and his brother, Spencer. Fun was had by all.

For those of you who are interested, Barkley is registered at both Bergdorf Goodman and Barneys New York – and has also requested this collar and leash (preferably in blue). His father wears a size 41 Italian shoe, enjoys the following champagne, and would adore a membership at the Reebok Gym and / or Soho House. Puppy Kisses and caviar dreams!

the prize fighter, campbell

Everyone’s favorite prize fighter, Naomi Campbell had an interesting little snafu a few days ago at Roberto Cavalli’s menswear show in Florence. In the grand tradition of staging fashion shows in strange yet challenging locales, Cavalli chose to hold this show on the Ponte Vecchio.

So of course Naomi was on hand to open the show with a bang – although when she reached the end of the runway, which was nothing more than a stopping point on the street, she mistakenly turned the wrong way and ended up in a crowd of random people. According to Fashion Week Daily

“Much to the horror of front-row guest Bianca Jagger and the Cavallis, security feverishly rushed into the mob of people, which had, like a vacuum, sucked Campbell into the crowd like a mosh pit, and plucked her out. The dress, we’re happy to report, was unharmed.”

Isn't it hysterical how they paint the scene as if Naomi is some helpless little waif of a girl who might have been torn to shreds by the dirty plebes? Seriously though, in a situation like this, my concern would have been for the innocent bystanders. You know that Naomi probably had some kind of crazy knife strapped to her thigh… or a mobile phone or a Blackberry or something!?! That bitch means business.

In somewhat related news, Naomi is due back in court this week, here in New York. She is facing charges that she physically assaulted her maid, Ana Scolavino, with a mobile phone back in March. If she is found guilty, old fisticuffs (and her trusty phone) could face a possibility of seven years behind bars (yeah, right). In 2000, Naomi pled guilty to assaulting another former employee with a mobile phone. Watch the reenactment.

fab dress - ug husband

So as much as it pains me a little to think of Nicole Kidman marrying that heinous country singer, the couple did in fact tie the knot this weekend in Sydney. The only thing that I will comment on at this time is the fabulous dress.

Only Nicole (and perhaps Anus Gwyneth) would choose to go with Nicolas Ghesquière rather than Vera Wang – and be able to pull it off. She wore a low-cut, empire-waisted gown by Nicolas Ghesquière for Balenciaga – which was clearly inspired by this dress, from the designer’s Spring 2006 ready-to-wear collection. Ab-Fab!

"Nicole cried all the way to the church in the car and then she cried all during the ceremony and had to wipe her eyes under the veil," a guest tells PEOPLE. "It was the most emotional and beautiful ceremony. Nicole looked ethereal with her veil floating, like a vision in white. ... Keith cried when he looked at her.

"It was so intense," the guest says. "When her veil was lifted, he moved right in and he grabbed her and kissed her. It was a long, passionate kiss. (Then) everything went from being quiet and elegant and intense to really loud, like we were suddenly at a soccer game. There was screaming and hollering and such excitement.
While Nicole’s children Connor and Isabella were obviously in attendance, it looks like Zartoo Third Overlord of Blargon Seven and his child bride were not – but then again the wedding was held in a Catholic church… and I’m pretty sure Scientologists burst into flames if they enter a place of Christian worship. Now that would have been hot!

Source - People Magazine

the short-glove half-glove

Ok, can we please discuss this whole short-glove half-glove look, and how it’s just really not a good one? I mean, come on Trash – what is this all about? Your stylist is no doubt trying to carve out a moment for herself – but she’s clearly not at all ready to play with Rachel Zoe and Jessica Paster or any of the other big girls. No - she’s making you look like even more of an anus, which I guess is a rather remarkable feat.

Now here’s the thing – Isn’t it pretty excruciating when someone desperately tries to do something original and avant-garde with their dress? I’ve encountered a decent number of these situations in recent years, and I always get so enormously embarrassed for the parties involved.

Without naming names I will say that one of my good friends once decided that he was going to wear a necktie as a belt. Um, not so much. Another good friend decided that it was a really great idea to start casually rockin’ the sweat bands on the forearms look. Again, not so much. I mean, I’m sorry but how does studying Homer and Demosthenes necessitate sweat bands? You’re not Roger Federer – work it the fuck out!

So yeah, Trash - this is not a good look! Remove the short-glove half-glove and then promptly have one of your people drag that two-bit stylist of yours into an alley and shoot her in the face. All the best!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

the shallow end of the gene pool

Do you remember the gold old days when Shitney put out records and won awards – or when little Bobbi Kris was tiny and cute, and only slightly retarded looking? Those days are long gone, my friends. Yes, it looks like Bobbi Kristina Brown (or in myspace speak, $SeXi kRiSsY$) is finally blossoming into womanhood, and she definitely appears to have gotten the short end of the stick. I wonder if she still has those pre-pubescent fat nip girl booblets that she had on season one of Being Bobby Brown. Never a good look!

10,000 a day

I just saw a very blonde and very pregnant Linda Evangelista shopping in Whole Foods. Linda has long been my favorite supermodel, and I love that she has been back on the scene as of late - she seemed to have disappeared for a few years. I was not at all aware that she was expecting a baby, but she definitely had that pregnancy glow and a big tummy.

Why is Linda my favorite you ask? Well, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe it’s that amazing chameleon quality that she has. Maybe it’s how widely respected she is within the industry, or those fantastic George Michael videos. Maybe it's that she was the leader of the Linda - Christy - Naomi supermodel trifecta. Maybe it’s that famous quote. You know the one – that whole, “We don’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 a day”. Or maybe, just maybe it's her slightly bitchy edge.

apply directly to the forehead

Has anyone else seen this fucking weird ass commercial?

What the fuck?!? Seriously though, what the fuck?!? Does this commercial have Epilepsy Down Syndrome SchizophreniaTourette’s? The first time I saw this a few weeks ago, I just assumed that someone at the television station had fucked up the feed. Two or three times later I was still in disbelief – but now that I see this crazy bullshit nearly every day, I’m starting to really question a lot of things in my life. What the fuck?!?

Head On - Apply directly to the forehead.

oh, shit!

Oh, shit – I guess I called this one… not that it’s too difficult to predict the death of a supercentenarian. After suffering from a stroke last weekend, Aaron Spelling finally threw in the towel yesterday afternoon. As previously predicted, wife Candy (and her present wrapping room), daughter Kermit (and her seven husbands), and son Randy (ummmmm, who?) have most likely been fighting with the attorneys all week, and have already popped some bottles.

So yeah, I’m sure that Randy Spelling is off… doing whatever it is that he does. Candy and Kermit on the other hand are probably off having a mother daughter day. You know, a little mani pedi botox followed by a liquid lunch and then shopping for some more diamonds.

That's pretty sexy!

Friday, June 23, 2006

a total mary

Yesterday I saw Neil Patrick Harris (with some other total Mary) in the dressing room at Barneys. Now, I have never thought that he was very cute - that whole Doogie Howser strawberry blonde curly business just isn’t my thing. In person however, he is surprisingly attractive. My question – does Doogie purport to be heterosexual, or is it no secret at this point? To the best of my knowledge, he never had any kind of coming out party – yet he is clearly one of the ladies - clearly.

He has also done quite a few faggoty things career-wise. He played a big homo in that awful Madonna movie, The Next Best Thing, as well as on an episode of Will and Grace. Also, he’s a big theater fag – lest we forget his turn as the Emcee in Cabaret a few years ago (Ewwww).

So here’s the thing - I totally think that Doogie has been stalking me recently. I first noticed this a few weeks ago when he presented something at the Tony Awards. Then earlier this week he filled in for Regis on Live (two blocks from my god damn apartment)! And now he’s following me into the dressing rooms at my home away from home. Jesus, Doogie – can’t a girl have a little breathing room?!?