8 simple rules for urban etiquette

The most recent issue of New York magazine, features a great article about urban etiquette - most of which seem absurdly obvious - but my fellow New Yorkers know that when it comes to this type of stuff, the vast majority of people are retarded... completely and utterly retarded. Featured in the article is Saturday Night Live’s Amy Poehler, who goes the way of Emily Post and gives her ‘8 Simple Rules’ for proper etiquette and survival in New York. Says Amy -

“My absolute pet peeve is people who are rude to waiters,” she says. “Any guy who’s in any way difficult, your lady-boner immediately goes to zero.”

These days on SNL, Amy Poehler seems to completely carry the show – and there’s a reason. She’s fucking hysterical. I heart New York.

1. Be nice to everyone, especially people wearing hospital bracelets.

2. Don’t ask white girls if they “left their ass at home.”

3. If you have to bring your baby to a movie, make sure he laughs at appropriate times.

4. Don’t eat Cheetos and then sit down at a fancy hotel piano.

5. If you are in Central Park and think you are getting mugged, first check to see if maybe you’re just part of a student film.

6. If you see Oprah at a fancy function, don’t grab her wrist and ask for money. Quietly sneak up behind her and whisper, “You give me that money, Oprah. You hear me?”

7. When walking on a New York street, try not to spit, litter, bleed, or take a crap.

8. If you need to do any of these things, try to do it between two parked cars.