moisturizes my situation and preserves my sexy

I know you’re all familiar with the Proactiv infomercials, but have you seen the more recent one with P. Diddy? If not, I highly recommend that you not turn the channel the next time you stumble upon it. I first saw this gem this past winter, and had forgotten about it until just last week.

Now I know that no one really cares about Chicken of the Sea or her acne, and Vanessa Williams is always a bit of a douche – but I’m telling you, pay attention when Diddy comes onto the screen. I scoured the internet, and haven’t been able to locate this clip, so in the mean time you’ll just have to trust me on this one… regarding Proactiv, Diddy says the following –

“It moisturizes my situation, and preserves my sexy."

Yes, I fuck you not – "it moisturizes my situation, and preserves my sexy." Now, there is a little bit of question on whether Proactiv preserves or maintains his sexy – and because I have been unsuccessful in my pursuit of this clip, I cannot say for sure.

Ok – so I was having a conversation with a friend about this, and we decided that these phrases are an absolute must in our newfangled hipster lexicon. Here, I’ll demonstrate.

Doctor – Your test results are in - you have cancer.

Me – That neither moisturizes my situation nor preserves my sexy.


Friend – Would you like to go blow out at Barneys?

Me – I'm in... talk about preserving my sexy!


Waitress - Can I get you anything else, or just the check?

Me - Just the check, thank you... my situation is thoroughly moisturized.

You get the picture?