you give me mcpheever

So I must admit that I am a loyal fan of American Idol. I’ve been watching this show since Season One debuted in the summer of 2002. I quickly became obsessed with Kelly Clarkson, and she has remained one of my favorite artists.

Season Two – eh, as soon as they booted Frenchie Davis for the fat-girl porn, I lost interest. None of the contestants really did too much for me. I still don’t understand the appeal of Ruben Studdard - heinous… I guess Gayken can sing, and at least he has provided some recent comic relief – yeeeaaah hot.

Season Three was pretty hot – with the Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson, Latoya London trifecta.

I thought Fantasia’s freshman album blew pretty hard, but then she came out with the whole illiteracy thing, and I fell in love all over again. I randomly downloaded one of Latoya’s songs on itunes a few months ago, and thought it was quite good – and I’m obviously looking forward to Jennifer Hudson’s turn as Effie in Dreamgirls.

For the life of me I did not understand Anus Degarmo – although I recently saw her on Broadway as Penny Pingleton in Hairspray, and quite enjoyed her.

I enjoyed Season Four at the time, but looking back it all seems pretty boring. I really didn’t get Bo Bice at all – he is such scary, backwoods white trash. At the time, I wanted Carrie Underwood (still white trash, but a little less scary) to win, but all of this Jesus-talk as of late has definitely turned my stomach. As an aside, I loved this season when Simon told Kellie Pickler that he preferred her to Carrie. Hot!

Season Five has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I haven’t missed an episode yet (thank you Tivo). My initial favorites after the auditions were Katharine McPhee and Paris Bennett – because both of them rocked the shit out of their auditions. Katharine blew it out on God Bless the Child, and Paris with Take Five. Although it’s a little hard for me to admit, I did have a brief moment of appreciation of Lisa Tucker (stale old piece of toast) – if I recall, she rocked some Whitney in her audition. I also thought that Kellie Pickler was kind of cute, but that quickly wore off.

Going into the top 24 or whatever, I had been having a few dirty thoughts about Ace Young – but then he got all boy band / smoldering gaze on us, and as a result completely transferred his hotness to Chris Daughtry. Bucky Covington, Melissa McWhatshername, Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker all fall into the category of who cares. I found Mandisa to be absolutely repugnant for several reasons, and as soon as she opened her mouth about Jesus and forgiveness she was dead in my book.

Paris - as much as I think this little girl has huge potential, she also started to bug the shit out of me - she was just too showy, and was always talking about her “gift” – blown. She kind of put me to sleep throughout much of February and March - Wind Beneath My Wings? I thought it was kind of hot when she pulled the Beyoncé - but then, only B can do B. I will give her what may have been my favorite performance of the entire season thus far – when she sang These Foolish Things (although she clearly hired both Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder as her stylists that week – the fuck me bondage hair just didn’t mix with the pink Ann Taylor suit – ewww!)

Through the course of this season, Chris Daughtry definitely grew on me – and as much as his style may not be my particular thing, at least he was consistent. The sexy tortured vibe also worked quite well for him. I don’t recall exactly when he usurped Ace’s hotness – maybe it was when he started wearing eye liner? From a marketing perspective he and Katharine seemed like the obvious picks, although I did read that his band back home is a Christian garage band – I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I thought it was a little weird how they pretty much crowned him the winner months ago – and subsequently think it’s hysterical that he is now the third runner up.

I laughed so hard when he got the boot last week that I fell off my bed – no joke. And for real, were people so stunned – I didn’t think that dialidol was such a secret at this point.

So now we’re down to three. Taylor, I just don’t get it. People really seem to be on the fence – you either love him or hate him. I hate him – and I don’t even have the energy to talk about it. He’s that exhausting. Elliott Yamin just thoroughly grosses me out. Every one of his teeth is fighting for first place. Seriously though, does he have leprosy? You know the scene toward the beginning of The Dark Crystal where the Skeksis emperor dies in his bed – and his face just falls off – while everyone looks on?

I’ve been waiting for Elliott to have that moment all season – except in my dream, Paris Bennett would snatch the microphone away from Ryan Seacrest and sing us out to commercial with her rendition of Midnight Train to Georgia. Totally hot!

Oh Katharine my Katharine – as much as I love you, you have been unraveling over the past few weeks – pretty much since Simon told you that you made the others look like amateurs. You have had some pretty hot moments this season – Since I Fell For You, All Is Fair In Love, Think, Until You Come Back To Me, Come Rain Or Come Shine, Someone To Watch Over Me, Black Horse And The Cherry Tree to name a few. Guilty admission – I totally have your songs on my ipod. Although you do have your fair share of detractors, I’m still totally in love. You are perhaps a little smug, but hell – I much prefer my American Idol to be snooty than some piece of trailer trash – been there, done that. For whatever reason though it does seem that the judges have been drinking their haterade during your past few performances – they have been unfairly tough on you. I’m sure we’ll be saying goodbye to you tomorrow – since the nation has seemingly unraveled over this whole Chris Daughtry debacle – and the blood is on your hands. Sad but true. I’ll still be first in line to buy your album.

Oh, and good luck to the Simons in trying to market either Taylor or Elliott as an American Idol – did you all see Simon Cowell’s face when Chris got the boot last week? Exactly.

At least we'll always have Rhonetta - bow down bitch!